Monday, November 21, 2011

Day 8: Motivation

Well I realize I completely forgot about this blog. Okay that's a lie. I remembered it every day, then forgot about it a few hours before i'd write something.... 6 days in a row. Anywaaays.

There hasn't been to much going on in the past week. I quit smoking one week ago sunday, and whilst it doesn't seem like long, to me it seems like forever. And truth be told, I am handling it a bit better than I thought I would. There have been a few times where I am just finding myself with nothing to do. I end up sitting in one spot for hours trying to get my mind off smoking, or I can't fall asleep. More often than not, I will just go stand in my kitchen at night with the light off and just kind of stare at the oven clock. Most likely because this is where I smoked most of the time.

I seem to be ever so slightly falling into some other habits, trying to replace smoking. Most noticeable, I seem to be eating a bit more. I usually stop myself, but sometimes I just need to eat, which is a shame because i'v been on a diet for months and months now, and i'm more or less worried about losing all that progress. I also noticed on the bus today I half like, half a thumb nail that i'v been biting without realizing it.

But when it comes down to it, I have been lucky to find motivation in the fact not smoking is saving a lot of money. Money for other things. And a few other things seem to be improving as well. I notice my teeth are losing the tint of nicotine that has plagued them all these years, and I am starting to cough alot less now, which is pretty nice to say the least.

I'v also been listening to some violin music [ YouTube goes Hurr ] which, to be honest, was the last thing I thought would help with at times. However, it's definitely been helping some.

Other than that, nothing much else going on. I am finding it easier to quit than expected. However there are definitely some times when I just want to grab a smoke and inhale it like nobodies business, but I won't. Why? Because Money. It's all about the money.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Day 2: Murder, rage and murder

Well I am at the end of my second day without smoking and needless to say, I am going slightly insane. And it seems like the universe is doing absolutely EVERYTHING in it's power to either drive me to murder someone, or start smoking again, both options that I refuse to accept.

I normally won't go into details about why I am going nuts, however today is specially, because it started off horrible.

My first main problem was while trying to sleep, I couldn't. With the constant nagging of my brain telling me to have a god damned smoke so I could fall asleep, I ended up laying down for hours to no avail. Around 3:00am however, I started getting tired and falling asleep. But my next door neighbor [lets call her Nikki, because that is her name. I wish I knew her last name so her boyfriend / baby daddy / pimp knew she was cheating on him] decided that her baby would start crying. Being the absolutely fucking amazing mother she is, she ignored her child. Because she was busy having sex with, what I can only assume is a small ego, small penis white kid who hasn't graduated his "Continuing Education" in the seven and a half years he's been trying it. However, she wasn't JUST having sex. She was having sex, while making as MUCH noise as possible to drown out the sound of her crying, SCREAM baby who kept crying and screaming even LOUDER because the poor childs mother is a slut.

So after 45 minutes of listening to this tramp fake orgasm after orgasm, she FINALLY shut the fuck up and shut her baby up so I could fall asleep. So I was able to get about 4 hours of sleep before I had to wake up. Now normally, I wake up, have a shower, eat and get a coffee then go to the bus stop for my smoke. However, this time without a smoke, I decided to leave 5 minutes later so I only had a 5 minute wait.

Now at this point, my bus runs every "15 minutes", but today, it ran ever 44 minutes. I had to wait for 44 minutes for my bus to FINALLY show up. While ugly annoying people at the bus stop smoked and were being loud. Due to this horrible mix up, I was unfortunately now stuck on a bus that had 4 buses worth the people on it, because no bus had come in almost an hour. So, without smokes, I am on a bus with loud, smelly, ugly, annoying people who feel the need to lean on me because they are tired.

This ended up leading to me thinking of ways to kill different people who were annoying me on the bus.


Good nature and self control prevailed. I was able to get through the day without any issues after that. However I am starting to notice the effect of a lack of nicotine, earlier than I was expecting. I was thinking after about a week i'd start feeling the effects of the withdrawl. Unfortunately, it is definitely coming through and it's starting to cause some issues. Most noticeably anger towards any life form that crosses my path.

Assuming the universe decides to give me a break tomorrow, I should be able to refrain from raining rage and horror down upon my college. If the universe DOES try to ruin my day again, well. I can always buy smokes and trade them for protection from Bubba in prison.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Day 1: It feels odd

Well it seems as if my first smoke-free day is going as expected. I am obviously wanting a smoke, however I haven't yet felt the need for one. This could however change within the next few hours when I try to fall asleep.

It's been an easy day for me. I'v gotten Labs and Reports done ahead of time for class, so today was just a sit back and play Skyrim day. However, I did notice something that is going to be very, VERY bothersome to me in the next few months.

Normally I take breaks between what I am doing. Whether it be homework, games or even class. And during these breaks I smoke. That smoke has always been an intermediary for me where I can leave what I am doing for ten minutes, have a smoke and when I go back I am 100% focused on what I need or want to be doing.

However, without that smoke, everything seems to be off now. I still need to take the breaks, otherwise I lose concentration and end up doing nothing. But now, the breaks don't feel the same. They don't feel like they are accomplishing what they are supposed to be, and because of that my entire day seems like it hasn't been normal. Everything feels askew and it's a very unsettling feeling.

However i'v been powering through it. I had my last smoke earlier today and made sure I enjoyed it, and since then i'v had no real problems. I still always walk into the living room and look at where the smokes should be, but I just end up grinning from a habit that was a result of a habit. 

Anyways, the real test isn't going to begin until I start getting stressed out, because smokes are EXCELLENT for stress relief, and I always have a smoke or two when I am stressed. So it should be interesting to see what I do instead.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Decision

It has been quite a few years since I started smoking cigarettes. Originally it was just when I was hanging around with friends -- maybe a few times a week. However, over the following months I did pick up an acquired taste for it. Well, it was not so much the taste I enjoyed, it was the feeling and soothing enjoyment I got out of it. Eventually I got to the point of being a regular smoker, where i'd smoke at home, waiting for a bus, on breaks between work, etc. And guess what? I was never addicted to smoking -- not until last year however.

Over the years i'v had people say "smoking is bad for you" or "You should quit smoking", and my replies have always been the same:

"Smoking is bad for me? Shit, when did they discover this?"

Now not to sound ungrateful for people who are just looking out for my "well being" or in most cases "being fucking nosy", but I have never had any real problems with smoking, and I was never actually addicted to it. I did something I enjoyed, whether or not the fact it was bad for me was there. And this always had people saying "Well if you can quit, why don't you?" and I always reply with:

"You enjoy playing the Piano, why don't you quit? What if a study came out showing Pianists have a 72% higher chance of developing symptoms of depression. Would you quit?"

And it may seem like I am avoiding answering it, but the truth it, I smoked for the enjoyment of it. I on multiple occasions actually stopped smoking because I found myself in a relationship with someone who either didn't like me smoking, or smokers in general. Each time I have dropped it, I never had any problems with addiction. I was fine without smoking, and if the relationship ended, I was fine picking it back up. Think of it as a sacrifice to help make a healthier relationship for someone you care about.

I have never had troubles defending my smoking, because to be honest, I never really cared if people liked me smoking or not, and never felt I had to defend it. 

Now you might be asking "But why would you quit now?" and it's a valid question. Between the amount of pain [due to coughing and what appear to be weak lungs] and the fact I realize I am single-handedly smoking approximately $2100.00 a year in cigarettes, which over the past four years means I have smoked $8400.00, it's time to stop.

The third, possibly more contributing factor to me quitting is, I am now actually addicted to nicotine. Now it might seem odd, but I still remember the day last year when I realized I was addicted to smoking. It wasn't over a nic-fit, or over stress or anything. I walked out into my living room, lit a cigarette and sat down and took a pull off it. After about 12 seconds of sitting there, I looked down and thought to myself  "Do I want this smoke, or do I need it?" and immediately, I knew.

And it had been something that only had to of happened recently, because I had been dating someone for a short time who, in her words "Didn't want me to quit smoking because of her, but preferred I did it away from her". This had led to me only smoking occasionally, maybe 1/5th of what I normally did because I spent alot of time with her. After we broke up [mutual, I didn't become addicted due to the breakup] I went back to my normal routines and after a few months, realized it was now an addiction.

So for the past year, I have been feeding an addiction that, until then, had only been a small enjoyment I gave myself. However, now when I combine the money, the fact my lungs seem to be poorly handling the smoke, and the fact it's now an addiction, I have decided to quit. And more so, I want to quit because I know I CAN quit, and if I CAN quit, than I can positively back up a thought I have had for a many years now:

"Addiction doesn't keep people from stopping something. It's a convinced excuse for a lack of will-power and determination -- and that thought scares people more than an early death or an empty wallet"

Anyways. I decided to keep this blog to document how this goes -- because why not? I am going to try to keep it to a daily update, but I am flaky and often convince myself to "Do it later"