Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Decision

It has been quite a few years since I started smoking cigarettes. Originally it was just when I was hanging around with friends -- maybe a few times a week. However, over the following months I did pick up an acquired taste for it. Well, it was not so much the taste I enjoyed, it was the feeling and soothing enjoyment I got out of it. Eventually I got to the point of being a regular smoker, where i'd smoke at home, waiting for a bus, on breaks between work, etc. And guess what? I was never addicted to smoking -- not until last year however.

Over the years i'v had people say "smoking is bad for you" or "You should quit smoking", and my replies have always been the same:

"Smoking is bad for me? Shit, when did they discover this?"

Now not to sound ungrateful for people who are just looking out for my "well being" or in most cases "being fucking nosy", but I have never had any real problems with smoking, and I was never actually addicted to it. I did something I enjoyed, whether or not the fact it was bad for me was there. And this always had people saying "Well if you can quit, why don't you?" and I always reply with:

"You enjoy playing the Piano, why don't you quit? What if a study came out showing Pianists have a 72% higher chance of developing symptoms of depression. Would you quit?"

And it may seem like I am avoiding answering it, but the truth it, I smoked for the enjoyment of it. I on multiple occasions actually stopped smoking because I found myself in a relationship with someone who either didn't like me smoking, or smokers in general. Each time I have dropped it, I never had any problems with addiction. I was fine without smoking, and if the relationship ended, I was fine picking it back up. Think of it as a sacrifice to help make a healthier relationship for someone you care about.

I have never had troubles defending my smoking, because to be honest, I never really cared if people liked me smoking or not, and never felt I had to defend it. 

Now you might be asking "But why would you quit now?" and it's a valid question. Between the amount of pain [due to coughing and what appear to be weak lungs] and the fact I realize I am single-handedly smoking approximately $2100.00 a year in cigarettes, which over the past four years means I have smoked $8400.00, it's time to stop.

The third, possibly more contributing factor to me quitting is, I am now actually addicted to nicotine. Now it might seem odd, but I still remember the day last year when I realized I was addicted to smoking. It wasn't over a nic-fit, or over stress or anything. I walked out into my living room, lit a cigarette and sat down and took a pull off it. After about 12 seconds of sitting there, I looked down and thought to myself  "Do I want this smoke, or do I need it?" and immediately, I knew.

And it had been something that only had to of happened recently, because I had been dating someone for a short time who, in her words "Didn't want me to quit smoking because of her, but preferred I did it away from her". This had led to me only smoking occasionally, maybe 1/5th of what I normally did because I spent alot of time with her. After we broke up [mutual, I didn't become addicted due to the breakup] I went back to my normal routines and after a few months, realized it was now an addiction.

So for the past year, I have been feeding an addiction that, until then, had only been a small enjoyment I gave myself. However, now when I combine the money, the fact my lungs seem to be poorly handling the smoke, and the fact it's now an addiction, I have decided to quit. And more so, I want to quit because I know I CAN quit, and if I CAN quit, than I can positively back up a thought I have had for a many years now:

"Addiction doesn't keep people from stopping something. It's a convinced excuse for a lack of will-power and determination -- and that thought scares people more than an early death or an empty wallet"

Anyways. I decided to keep this blog to document how this goes -- because why not? I am going to try to keep it to a daily update, but I am flaky and often convince myself to "Do it later"

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